I'm not closing the blog, so let's get that out of the way first. :)
I've been thinking a lot about closure lately, in various parts of my life. I've been lucky enough to be able to say "goodbye" to a lot of patients who I've later found out have passed away. I've had loud, screaming closure with a particular fellow who thought it a good idea to call me on my birthday, after months of me trying to deal with a hell of a lot of drama, and tell me he hoped I was well... that sounds all romantic until you get to the part where he up and disappeared and then decided to get back with his ex-wife. In another country.
There have been fractured friendships - some have gained new life, others have vanished forever. There are words that were built up inside me for a very long time, aimed at a few members of society who deserved them. I realized a long time ago that these words were toxic to me, and me only. I would write long narratives and burn them, or bury them, and found this to be exceptionally therapeutic.
Then there are the relationships which I have craved for so long, which were put to a halt several years ago due to the drama mentioned above, plus some other factors. These are very special cases. Phone calls and burning paper aren't proper for these. Fear has kept me from taking the first step in addressing the situation. I tell myself daily that I am not the person I was all those years ago, that I am stronger and whole. I am not an outer shell filled with the rambling fragments that they were unfortunate enough to meet.
None of us are getting any younger. While my own health is improving, I know nothing of theirs. I watch their lives from a distance, seeing photos and reading words to fulfill my curiosity of these people that I am connected to. I miss them with every part of my being.
My fear? Not that I will be told what an awful person I was for being the way I was. My fear is that my resurgence into their lives, apologies and explanations or not, will disrupt them. I need closure, however I also want to grant them the same thing. Because of how things ended, I am unsure that there will be a future, yet I believe with all my heart that there can't be a sense of confusion and hurt for the rest of our lives.
My letter-writing starts today. It will probably take many days to say what needs to be said in a way that is non-confrontational or too bashing of myself. It needs to be done. I want nothing more than for these people to have peace in their lives, and for me to have the same in mine.