On Friday I learned from my OB/GYN that my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) levels were <0.04.
This may not mean much to you, so let me explain....
AMH levels essentially tell you how many eggs/follicles you have left (or ovarian reserve, if you want to get fancy). There is a capsule surrounding your eggs which releases this hormone. As you can see on the chart on this website , my levels are off-the-chart low.
Most of you were not aware of this, but I decided that I would start getting myself together so I could try to have a child. I have worked hard to maintain my financial stability and have planned out, in the most obsessive fashion, a budget, potential timeline, insurance considerations, childcare considerations, school considerations, etc. Then it was left to physical testing and an appointment with my physician.
This is where the blood tests came in. Even though I have been healthy, my egg reserve has evidently gone the "powdered" route (lightly put by a coworker, and I was grateful for the laugh).
I have been referred to infertility specialists, and I do intend on following up with them once an appointment can be made. While initially heartbroken, and still hurting, I am going to go the distance here to make sure there is nothing else that can be done. I will have further blood testing done. Yes, I turn 40 in a few months. Yes, I am single. However, I have a beautiful support system in the form of my family, loving partner, and countless friends. I have found message boards online with other women who shed tears just as I have.
This morning I was cleaning my "creative chaos" and came upon the brochures for various methods of fertilization. This inspired yet another tearstorm, but also words. Lots of words, which I am writing here.
I am not sharing this for pity or sympathy or for my currently-pregnant friends not to speak to me about their joys. (Please don't stop sharing every little second, ladies, I am so full of love and joy for you.) I am sharing this because I have a feeling someone else, in the near future, may be where I am now and may need to know they're not alone. I cried for the loss of a pregnancy I once had, and now I cry for the pregnancy that may never be. And this is okay.
I will also be joining a meeting next month for potential adoptive parents. It's always been a dream of mine to adopt a little one, much as I was adopted. If God decides to bring a child into my life in this manner, I will have been even more blessed. My mom told me the other day, "You have always gone after what you've wanted until you succeeded."
I'm sure I will write more about this journey. Thank you for listening, and a very special thank you to my family, friends, and amazing boyfriend who love me for me, and not for what I may or may not be able to produce. <3