Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 - It came, it went... in pictures.

I admittedly snorked this idea from my new friend Tracie (with her permission, and also please check her blog because she's awesome and I'm so excited to get to work with her this next year!) My other bloggy friend The Robot Mommy also did a bloggy rundown of her past year, and my new "boss", Elena at Live.Do.Grow., ran through her own pictorial of craggy challenges that she has seen this past year - with the added yes!!!!!! of her "BRING IT ON" attitude for 2013.

That was a lot of links, but a whole lot of super fabulousness for your education, inspiration, and amusement. *Deep breath*.

January - Global Medical Brigade to Darien, Panama

This momma was bathing her children in the river when we arrived. I had the chance to speak with her briefly, and she said that she was ready to have her baby any day. She smiled as she said how impatient she was because her stomach was heavy. I asked her if I could show her photo (some indigenous people have rules about photography) and she said yes. It seemed the entire village had come to play in the river with us. We learned so much about these special people, as well as so much about ourselves.
February - Stanley Hotel Ghost Hunt

I flew out to Estes Park for a weekend ghosthunt at the famous Stanley Hotel. I had the chance to (finally) meet Dustin Pari and Karl Pfeiffer as well as the lovely Jeanette (all pictured here). While waiting for the sun to go down, Jeanette and I explored the grounds and crossed where no tourist should have crossed. Rebels! It was a wonderful weekend, and I was so blessed to be able to meet these people, have dinner with them (mayo and peanut butter and lettuce sandwiches were spoken of but not consumed), and have a few paranormal experiences. It was a pleasure meeting so many other well-respected paranormal enthusiasts and researchers.
March - A huge change

After a very long time of having very long hair (to the tops of my thighs), I decided it was time for a change. A pile amassed on the floor of the salon to the delight of hair artists and patrons alike. I felt a billion times lighter, and it was such a relief to be free of the hassle!
April - National Student Nurses' Association Convention - Pittsburgh, PA

I was so honored to be here - I received two awards at the National level: One was for Project InTouch, for which I recruited the most new NSNA members in the nation at the chapter level. The other, which is shown here, was for best State website. When I took over as Communications Director, the first thing I did was focus on our website, as I saw it was a central hub for the state. I was proud to be among friends who were awarded their own accolades, as well as friends who won National Board positions!
May - Graduation and Pinning
Here I am being pinned as a BSN by my parents. It took me a lot of years to get to this point, but I haven't been prouder. It was a very emotional moment for all of us. There was a lot of family screaming in the crowd, too. :)  Followed closely by....
June - Being licensed as an RN
I still don't have too many words to describe this joy. Probably because I haven't found my first job yet!
July  - Fashion


Pinched nerve in my neck turned into this. Muscle relaxants and pain relievers had me very interesting for awhile, and I should probably go check to see if I wrote anything public during that time.
August - Hiking
Torrey Pines. Isn't this stunning? I did have another Membership South meeting for CNSA, however I also took up hiking again (spurred on by a friend who was in considerably better shape than I was). The ocean air and getting the blood pumping helped my mood immensely. I hope to get to the top of Potato Chip Rock one of these days.
September - Introspection
Things became more difficult... I was continuing to receive job rejection after job rejection, and I ended up in a very dark place. I took a lot of time to myself, trying to figure things out.
October - Fishing with Daddy!
Can you even believe how gorgeous this is? Dad woke me up one morning at ridiculous o'clock, and I'm so very glad he did. Here is Lady Moon going to sleep for the day, after lighting our lives for the night. (Lake Havasu, AZ) It was so nice being with Dad, out on the boat for hours, rocking in the small waves coming down the river. Nothing refreshes the spirit quite like Nature, and I took full advantage of her beauty.
November - Wedding in Texas
My uncle Tom was married to his sweetheart, Maggie, and we couldn't be happier for them. It was amazing to see my cousins and family for the first time in many years. This picture may be taken down based on how my mom reacts to it (Hi Mom!), but it reflects the sweetness we had during our trip. Dad was on his way in from fishing, so it was just my Mom and sister and I for a night. We had a cuddle/movie session and I felt like I was about 10 years old again. <3
December - Moving forward!
This month had a lot going on. I took some time away from Facebook, and focused on blogging and Twitter. I also focused on my health (except over the holidays, darn it) and had a lot of deep, meaningful moments with my own spirit. Thanks to all of this, it led me to apply, and be invited, to write for Just.Be.Enough. as a regular contributor. Not only am I expanding this blog, I hope to write for others - there is a lot that needs to be said, and I feel that my stories may be able to help others feel their own worth. Life is hard, but we can't give up. I'm sure as hell not giving up.

Let's see what 2013 brings, shall we?

"I believe..."

I don't know how many of you all have seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour or, more specifically, the skit of the four guys talking about things they believe in. (It can be found here if you haven't seen it, but be warned, don't watch it with kids around or when drinking anything carbonated.)

Whenever I talk about things I believe in, particularly when I'm exhausted, I always start it off in my mind just like Larry the Cable Guy does... "I bah-LEEEVVVE!"

Ridiculous, I know. I admit it. I'm corny.

So, now on a more serious note, I would like to share some things I believe in. Because, what better time to do so than at 1:19 in the morning when I'm sitting on the couch with two cats, and Ghost Adventures is on the television, and I had a really okay night at work.  I might be out of diet cream soda, but there are worse things in life.

I believe....

... in the power of holding a hand.

... in warmed socks on a cold night.

... that your best friend may be 2,000 miles away, and you've never met, but she's still your best friend.

... that it's SO important to be grateful for what you have, even when you're striving to improve on things.

... in the copper come-hither of a heads-up penny on the ground.

... in the goodness of most people even when their minds may be under the influence of something bad.

... that our families lie within our hearts, not limited to who we are related to bloodwise.

... in whispered words that have the potential to change a life.

... that one smile can spread into hundreds.

... in the love of my God.

... in me.

... in you.

Panama - January 2012

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Kindness (Blessings) Jar

Through the great thing that is social media, a couple of Facebook friends shared this idea from "Slice of Life" .

Take an empty jar. Beginning January 1st, fill the jar with slips of paper talking about the good things that have happened during the year. On New Year's Eve, read through these happy moments.

Please take a moment to visit "Slice of Life" on Facebook, and let them know if you'll be using this idea! I know I will! I look forward to sharing photos of my jar as it fills with joy.

Happy New Year, and may our jars be full of complete awesomeness by this time next year.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Resolutions? Keep it simple.

This is the time of year where many people stretch, yawn, and realize their elastic waistbands are a bit tight after that prime rib or turkey or too many Hot Toddies. New Year's Resolutions are stated early and often, and promises are made to join gyms and start diets.

I'm guilty of this. Every year I strongly state that I will lose that weight! I will eat better! I will keep my house clean! I will journal every day! I will, I will, I will. There is much implied in that "I will" phrase, and it may become impossible when it's multiplied by the tens of promises we make ourselves whenever January 1st rolls around.

I looked up the definition of "resolution", and this is a small part of what I found on the Merriam-Webster online site:

: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group
That is the closest definition I found on those pages under the word "resolution" which matches what we do every December or January 1st. There are six definitions, some with sub-definitions. SIX. Why are we making this so difficult? And by this particular definition, why do we need someone else's vote to improve ourselves?
If you want to make a positive change in yourself, do it. You don't have to wait for January 1st. You don't have to wait for anything or anybody. You are the only person living in your body (this does not apply to pregnant ladies, of course!) and the only one who can exact positive changes within yourself. You know what works, right? And you know what doesn't.  
Be YOU, the best way you know how to be. That is the only resolution you need.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Happy Holidays, readers!

Merry Christmas (if you celebrate!) A belated Happy Chanukah to those of you who celebrated that, and a joyous Tuesday morning to those of you who woke up this morning to a regular day. :)

Friday, December 21, 2012

Three Words, The Sequel

So proud of myself for this somewhat creative logo.
I've done one of these before, where I ask my Twitter buddies for three random words and build a quick story around those words. I hope you enjoy.
“What the heck was that!?” she said, bolting upright in bed, eyes open wide, pillows and sheets and cats flying everywhere. It was still very early in the morning, or very late at night, depending on how you looked at it. It took her a while to wake up from her dream, her brain feeling like it was on some sketchy, rickety raft in the middle of the ocean 

“Well, I’m not getting back to sleep anytime soon,” she muttered to one cat, who was posed on the window ledge watching droplets of condensation meander lazily down the windowpanes. She swung her bare feet out of the soft, gray flannel sheets and plunked them onto the floor. “Ah, there’s Bubba,” she grinned as an equally gray cat streaked out from under a pile of blankets in a semi-panic. Sudden movements did not please His Grace. He was a rambunctious kitty, enjoying nothing more than to spring out and entwine himself around one’s feet so one would faceplant hard on an unforgiving floor. Such a loving animal, really. 

Her Highness, Bandit, was ensconced prettily on the pillow on the window ledge, staring sleepily after her mischievous brother. Bandit’s human wondered if her fur-princess would take a hatchet to the famous Prince of Thieves given the chance, but quickly dismissed the idea as bizarre… Bizarre? That idea? No more bizarre than that stupid dream about parachuting into a large bowl of cheese popcorn. The human girl whacked herself on the side of the head, as if she was shaking the silly image out of her head like pool water. Bandit looked at her complacently, simply happy that her human was in the room. 

She wandered down the hallway, the house warm and still fragrant from the baking spree she had gone on earlier. She padded into the kitchen, eyes landing on the banana bread still in its pan on the counter. “Nope, I need to save that for the housewarming party tomorrow…” she affirmed to no-one in particular, smirking in amusement for talking to herself. Reaching into the tin on the counter, she heard kitty toes scratching down the wood floors towards the kitchen. “Wrong container, guys,” she laughed, “This treat is for me. You had your smelly chicken mush earlier.” Clutching a few lemon cookies and a coconut water in one hand, and petting her fur-babies with the other, she headed for the back door.  

How she loved her back porch! It was partially covered for rainy days, and the other side was open to the stars. If she’d had a long day at work, she would decompress in one of the overstuffed chairs outside, allowing her stresses to float out to the universe. The cats sat closely by her feet, their tails wisping softly over her calves. She was pretty sure they didn’t appreciate the awe-inspiring view like she did. “You guys are nuts,” she said, enjoying her cookies. “Mrowr,” they agreed.

A sudden movement shook her out of her reverie; Bubba was pouncing on something and swatting it around. A tiny rattling sound coerced the barefooted human to investigate – it didn’t sound like a great midnight snack for the cat. Sure enough, one of the screws had worked its way out of the old estate-sale wooden table next to her chair. She picked it up with a deep sigh and headed inside to fetch a screwdriver, shooing the cats inside ahead of her. After replacing the screw, she took one last look up at the night sky before heading back to bed.  

Curling up with her furry friends, she drifted back into the soothing clouds inside her head, hoping that the next dream would be unrelated to any sort of white, puffy grain.

 Thanks so much to:
@SatanInSingSing screw, bolt, nuts.

‏@Hoppie1029 Dream, Popcorn, Ocean

@sanjekel41 bananabread,lemoncookies,famous

@Karimomof3 rambunctious- mischievous - smelly

‏@JustCallea parachute, universe, stars

‏@thatchickAmanda coconut, screwdriver, hatchet

@cherokeegirl74 Awe-inspiring

"The Man": condensation, panic, wide 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Learning to say "I can."

This past week has been a difficult one. The country was plunged into emotional darkness by the horrible loss of life in Connecticut, and I was not surprised to see that many of my favorite bloggers -  who are also parents - were deeply affected.  Many pages went dark, with the authors not knowing quite what to say to describe the emotional coil bunched just underneath the surface.

Many of you know my love for the website Just.Be.Enough.  Elena has issued the latest writing prompt: write about coming out of that insecurity, that unsure cloud, that fear of taking a step forward - How can we have that smallest confidence in ourselves again, or expand that into the universe? Elena herself writes eloquently about being able to say, "I can."  I took a few days to ruminate on this subject, because the doubt and anger and blackness had tarnished many of my hopes for the future of the human race.

I can't pretend to know how it feels to be afraid for your own child, as I don't have children of my own. I can't imagine the consummate, heartwrenching anguish of being told you will never hold your angel again. As I sat frozen in front of my television, sharing brief words of stunned nothingness on Twitter, the news came across that twenty-two children had been attacked in China. So much evil and confusion and cold, icy fear was spread into the universe on that day. I almost physically felt my brain switch to neutral, and for the first time in my life, I was terrified at the thought of having children of my own - how could I protect them? How can I trust? How could I ever allow them to walk to school, or their friend's house, on their own, without me trailing behind like some private investigator?

One word came to me in a rush all at once:


I have lost pregnancies. I know loss. I know hurt and anguish and the crusted, desert air feeling of your eyes after you have cried for two months. While I do not know the warm joy of embracing a small one in my arms, I did know that hope for the future. I knew that complete adoration of something so small that was so enormous in my heart. I'm not willing to give that up.


I can.

I can cage that fear. I can give over my entire life and spirit and soul for a small being, no matter what the future brings.  I can nourish them and relish the small joys as well as the boo-boos and late-night cries for Mama. I can, without a doubt, raise this tiny peanut into whoever they turn out to be, and teach them that we are not all designed to be the same. I can love those who enter my life, child or adult, with all I have and more.

I believe that the most respectful way I can grieve for these families is to grow myself, and to not allow fear and doubt to cloud the future. Love and community and strength overcome the evils that needle us constantly. I have watched this country come together to support the families in Connecticut. Wouldn't it be marvelous if we could come together in the positive times, too?

Say it with me, and with those of us writing about being able to say it...

"I can."

Friday, December 14, 2012

What can YOU do when you set your mind to it?

I wrote this entry August 15, 2011 when I was still in school, but took it down in the interest of "too much information" shared with the public when I was on the Board of Directors for my nursing student association. I would like to re-post it today, because it's important for others to realize that they're not alone in their struggles.
There is a wonderful blog/site entitled “Just Be Enough”.  The ladies who contribute to this site have offered their stories, and have asked us to stand up and BE PROUD of ourselves. We are asked to tell of a moment that we are proud of. That makes us feel strong. That gives us a boost every day to get out there and do it again.

I want to tell you about what it feels like to know that you have beat something that literally kept you living in a closet at nights. I want to tell you how it feels to be able to take out the trash. I want you to hear me when I describe being able to shake someone’s hand without thinking that they’re conspiring against you. I want you to imagine the joy of having lunch with your mom in public without needing anti-anxiety medications.

Agoraphobia and panic disorder ran my life for over a year. I remember the day it started. I remember it very well. I was lying on my bed, talking on the phone with my mom. We were supposed to have lunch that day. All of a sudden, I felt this sweeping heaviness, like an energy form of Dread had blanketed me in cold weight. I fought it for several minutes; what was wrong with having lunch with my mom? We’d had lunch together many times in my adult life. Why was this so different? The feeling grew stronger and engulfed my entire being. It became a singular thought: “I can’t go out there today.”

Mom understood, although I’m sure she was confused. After we hung up, I lay there for many minutes, attempting to deconstruct this weirdness I was experiencing. It soon dissipated, and I went about my business, although sad that I had missed lunch with my mom.

That night, I was on the computer chatting with friends. Without any warning, I began hyperventilating and feeling as if my heart was going to burst through my chest. I was shaking so badly that I had to crawl into the bathroom to throw up. Tears flowed without provocation down my face. I felt hot, cold, hot, all within seconds. What the hell???

Imagine that happening up to 20 times a day.

When this became unbearable, I asked my mom to take me to the doctor. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. This was on top of anti-depressants that I had already been taking for quite some time. (Nasty divorce, bad experience with biological family members, work stress, severe illness, chronic pain, etc.)

While the panic attacks began suddenly, the loss of my ability to leave the house happened slowly in comparison. After having to turn down lunch with mom, I was still able to go grocery shopping and out with friends. One night, I was driving back from the grocery store. I passed through a stoplight, and immediately thought, “I could easily have driven through a red light, ran someone over, and killed them. I could have driven up on a sidewalk and killed someone. I could have lost control of the vehicle and killed someone.” That was the last time I was able to go grocery shopping normally.

I would walk into a store, fill my cart, have a panic attack, and have to leave before the crying started. I’m sure the store I went to became used to me leaving cartloads of groceries behind as I ran, wailing, out the door. I would try to buy a lot of food, because I didn’t know when I would be able to shop next. My mom would bring me things a lot.

Trash piled up in my kitchen because I would be too afraid to bring it to the dumpster. I was adverse to the idea of even running into a neighbor, because they would be able to see through my exterior, into the fear and hot mess that I was inside. I would buy cans of SlimFast and Starbucks because they wouldn’t stink up the kitchen. I would triple-bag kitty litter.

When I was actually able to go get my mail (at 3 in the morning), the box would be empty with a note inside. The mailman thought that I had gone on vacation. I would sleep in my closet during the days, because nobody could see me there. Blinds were drawn, curtains were pulled over them, but still, I thought everyone could see me. I lived at night. I could be me at night, in my apartment, with just the cat to see what a horrible state I was in. I could talk with people over the Internet without them really knowing how I lived.

This went on for over a year.

It had to stop. I became really determined to beat this. I was too damned young to let this rule my life. My life!

I would push myself. Open the front door for an hour. Step outside at night for 10 minutes. Take out a load of trash. Walk to my car. Sit in the car. Drive to the end of the block and back. Wave hello to people.

I had an enormous supply of anti-anxiety medication, and I used it. There were probably hundreds of times where I tried to go do something and I wouldn’t be able to do it, BUT I TRIED!

I remember the day that I walked into a crowded shopping mall for the first time in 16 months. I was terrified. The whole world was watching me. I could feel their eyes on me. When I came out of that mall, having done nothing but just walk through it, I was elated. Overjoyed. Empowered. I called my parents immediately from the car. “You guys, I did it!!!”

I continued my struggle. I signed up at a gym a few months later. I signed up for classes at a local community college. I WANTED TO LIVE!!!

Years later, I am now in a wonderful nursing program. I have earned two Associate’s Degrees and am working on my Bachelor’s. I want to earn my Doctorate. I have friends, and I have my family who never gave up on me. Most importantly, I have Me again.

Every time that I start telling myself that I can’t do something, I look back at that time in my life in which I literally couldn’t do anything at all. I look at what I did to beat that.

I am proud of me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A poem by a friend, with a little bit of added awesome...

Please check out this poem by my friend Nette. She runs her own blog over at, which has words in there brilliantly organized to make you realize that you are, in fact, completely human.

Nette tweeted that she didn't have a picture of a moon for the poem she wanted to post tonight. I happened to have a million of them thanks to being woken up at 6 in the morning by my Dad to go see the full moon setting over the Colorado River. Little did I know this photo full of somewhat melancholic and mysterious wonder would be the fit for Nette's words.

As I read through each line, I found myself drawn into childlike pleas and the incredible magnetism felt during a brightly-lit night.

Please also make sure to read her Note at the bottom of the poem... that will explain so much to you, and you will fall a little more into humanity.

Tonight, indulge in some hot chocolate, warm blankets and pillows - and gift yourself with the words of a poet.


Monday, December 10, 2012

"New Rules"

While I dislike the word "rules", and prefer to use "guidelines",  "suggestions",  "theoretical brainspasms" or "Your mission, should you choose to accept it....", it's good to have some sort of format in life.

A little over three weeks ago I began a lower-carb lifestyle and then threw in some exercise. Why? This 40+ pounds of "nursing school baby weight" caught up to me. N.S.B.W. consisted of sugar-laden coffees, gyros with french fries between classes, muffins, fast food on the way home, easy-to-stash bags of pretzels, chips, Combos, etc. The only exercise I got was walking to class and during clinicals, as well as occasionally lifting patients. Very rarely would my friend Emily and I hit the gym, which was usually a minimal workout because we were yelling flashcard questions at each other in an attempt to do something different while studying.

The stress of jobhunting after I graduated in May has also taken its toll. I am a huge stress-eater, and would dive into boxes of brownies, sneak trips through the drive-thru on the way home from work, and work potlucks became a free-for-all. I devoured a hell of a lot of chocolate on Halloween. I have sets and sets of scrubs and a closet full of clothing that is too small.

I admit here, publicly, that I am a sugar addict. I would put more sugar into my coffee than any human should be comfortable doing, to the point of turning my body to hide it from the 7-11 employee cleaning the coffee bar. If I hit a low point at work, I would dump a packet of sugar into my mouth and enjoy the quick energy it gave me. Unfortunately, this wouldn't last long, and I was soon wanting to crawl on my hands and knees because I had crashed so hard. I have always loved sweet things. Some people like salty, and while I love my salty stuff, it's the sugary stuff that draws me in.

Which is why I knew I had to make a major change.

I also began exercising on an almost-daily basis. The first aerobics video I chose to do was off of the On-Demand service on cable. It was an aerobics video designed for women over 50 years of age, and was only 20 minutes long. Halfway through, I thought I was going to fall over. The next morning, I woke up and chose another aerobics video for beginners. I had to hit "pause" about 7 times, but made it through the entire thing. I did it again the next day, and the next. Sooner than I could even believe, I was able to get through that 30-minute cardio - and alive, too!

I then ordered the "Slim-in-6" series because it was a strength-training workout as well as having cardio benefits. I tend to do this four times a week instead of the six that is suggested, just because of my work schedule plus other things going on. I'm on the second stage, and it's a butt-kicking 50 minutes. I can tell that I'm getting stronger, though, and it's such a good feeling.

After all of this, I've lost almost 10 pounds and 13 inches. It's like I'm losing a lot of that "I think I suck" factor along with it, which is very healing.

I have also ordered "The New Rules of Lifting For Women" after hearing many people rave about it on My Fitness Pal. It's been sitting on my coffee table for over a week, with me staring at it every day. I've read it, but it's actually getting up the nerve to go back to the gym, alone, overweight, and heading straight for the meathead-filled weight section. I think today might be the day. It might be tonight, when there aren't so many people there, but today needs to be the day. You never get anything accomplished if you don't take that first step, right?

For anyone worried about my out-of-shape self heading to the gym and tearing into a lifting program, let me assure you that I have done this before. I was heading into a degree in kinesiology before I found nursing, and I know the in's and out's of training. I worked for a women's gym as a trainer, and I was very fit when I was in the Reserves. I loved the feeling of being strong, not necessarily skinny. Plus, I'm not built to be skinny. Fine by me.

So, I am setting "rules" for myself. And my first rule is this: "Make yourself better every day."

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Thoughts on a Sunday night

I like Sundays a lot. They're a cleansing time for me. I've recently decided to take Sundays off from work in order to dedicate a set day to "ME TIME". While I'm not doing too much anymore, due to graduating and passing on my Board position to the next person (who is awesome, btw), I still work and push myself to search for nursing positions. This is exhausting, though, jobhunting day in, day out, so I need one day to "cleanse". This may be spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally. Sometimes all of the above.

Recently I was rejected from what I considered to be a dream job. I had a great interview, was nobody but myself, and went home confident that maybe I had finally been graced with my first nurse position.  Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. While truly excited for my friends who had been hired, it was a harsh slap in the face that, for the fifth time, I was "not good enough". This has thrown me into somewhat of a whirlpool of self-doubt, disgusting self-talk, tears, anger, situational depression, and what I hate most in the world - jealousy.

Also, being told over and over, "You will find something." "Something will come along." "You'll get your perfect job soon." While I truly appreciate the heartfelt words of those who have said them, it doesn't make it any better.

The panic easily can set in - how am I going to pay my bills now? Is it my poor credit rating that kept me out of a job offer? (I'm trying to find this out.) How am I supposed to get that up when I'm working for $13 an hour? Am I going to have to apply to go back to school, and then wait ANOTHER year to start that, and then wait to find work because nobody will hire you if you're still in the program???

It all becomes overwhelming, you know?

The big question... how long can I work under my own friends and classmates before feeling completely worthless? It's humiliating to be the assistant to people I studied with, asked to do menial labor while we both have the same bachelor's degree. With that being said, I've been blessed thus far, with my classmates being kind and taking on more of a team approach.  Yet I feel left-behind. I can't afford the things they can, now. I am, again, at a standstill.

Today was a better day. There were some inklings of that sinking feeling, but I spent much of the day busy. I have spent the last several weeks working on my health. I have thoroughly cleaned much of the house, and plan to finish over the next few days. I love the strength I get from making myself physically stronger, and the mental clarity I get from making my home neat.

I refuse to let this beat me. If I have to go back to school, I shall. If I have to move across the country, I will. I didn't work this hard for nothing. When I do work, as an assistant, my patients are my focus, not the nurses. I can still utilize many of my nursing skills.

I am still growing. As people have told me hundreds of times, I will find that perfect job. I've always been a late bloomer, and I guess this is just another example of that. I also trust in God, and that He may have a different path for me. I know He doesn't put pain on people for no reason. I am willing to learn and grow and experience the indescribable humbling that I've been through.

So, my friends, that is my Sunday cleansing. I know that's a lot of description and detail and emotional downers, but as my friend Callea has quoted, "Writing is the socially acceptable way of getting naked in public." It's extremely uncomfortable sharing this publicly, but she's right. It's very freeing.

I thank you for being generous with your time. Many blessings to you on this Sunday evening.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


This blog will take more of a different feeling, as I learn more about myself and the world around me. It may be dark at times, light at times, or contain pictures describing how I feel about the universe that day.

Sending love and light.


Friday, August 24, 2012

This whole Nutri-Bullet thing...

I mentioned this little guy in my last blog post, but The Man and I are going to try this 6-week Nutri-Bullet thing. This involves going from one "Nutri-Blast" a day up to three, or as many as the body can handle. Isn't it cute?

Blast it, baby!
So, what I figured I'd do is keep a Word document on what I'm doing with this thing and how it's making me feel. I'll update the blog weekly on this topic so those of you who receive e-mail updates don't roll your eyes all, "Srsly? How many blog entries about spinach can there really be?" (Joking, naturally. Kind of.)

I will, though, tell you my beginning issues. Because blogging is all about sharing your most personal stuff with the world, right?

Weight: 179.0 pounds. [At 5'7", I should be... um, lighter.]

Complaints: fatigue, left thumb pain, right shoulder pain, constant muscle tension, migraine headaches, cluster headaches, hot flashes and GI issues.

Goals: I don't know yet. I'm looking forward to feeling better, and I know that incorporating these raw foods back into my diet will help me to have the energy to do the exercise that my body  needs. I've been here before, so I'm speaking from experience. My goal at this point in time is to live each day as its own, and try to make those days even better than the last.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Proceeding forward. No,... ONWARD!!!!



There has been so much happening and so many things taking my attention that I let my poor, unloved blog become even more ... well, unloved. That is sad. Hi, blog, I'm home.

Since my last post, I have become a licensed RN. (It's okay, you don't need to run and hide!) I am still in the process of looking for work. It's a tough market for New Grads, but I have to say that I'm incredibly thrilled that several of my friends have found their dream jobs first time around. That's awesome. THEY are awesome. I know it will be my turn when it's supposed to be. That is hope.

Speaking of hope and faith and stuff, I decided to start going to church services. A friend of mine suggested that we try a new place, and it turned out to be everything that my frustrated, sad, hopeful, exhausted self needed to be. I have returned a few times since then and it's just a wonderful place. I take comfort in the love and acceptance I find there, as well as feeling the incredible energy within this small church.

Another step I'm taking is renewing my health. I can't be talking about health and exercise and life in a holistic manner if I'm not practicing it myself. Tonight "The Man" and I purchased a Nutri-Bullet, which I admittedly became fascinated with after watching a late-night infomercial. For those of you not completely familiar with my past dietary history, I used to be a raw vegan. I ecstatically drowned myself daily in green smoothies, and here was a chance to try a new "toy" which pounds the living heck out of fruits and veggies in order to give you every nutrient possible. Boy, did that thing tear into the strawberries, spinach, carrots and almonds that I put in that little cup. It was excellent. "The Man" had a very interesting expression on his face, but he is excited to see how this will make him feel. I know that simple daily smoothies will not solve the world's problems, but I DO know how drinking them makes me feel, and that's all I need to know.

So, my friends, I'm happy to be back. I'm excited to see where the next month brings me in this journey. I am looking to regain what I had, and I know I will. Confidence rocks, doesn't it?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

*Cough* *Sneeze*... Wow, it's dusty in here!

Holy COW, it's been a long time since I wrote a blog. My initial idea was to write all about Panama. I had to wait on that one because I was so. blown. away. by. everything. from that trip. It was life changing, awe-inspiring, and I still cry thinking about what I saw there and the gentle touches from people who have seen more hardship than I could even imagine. I'm still going to write about that. I promise.

So what have I been doing in the meantime?

A little bit of studying, a little bit of Directorship stuff, a little bit of actual paid-job thing, a lot of critical care and leadership clinicals, applying for my first RN job, ... oh, and getting ready for:

"Graduating" is a good color on me, don't you think?
So, that's coming up. in just over 38 days. I'm excited, because not only is this FINALLY happening 20 years after the initiation of advanced education, but because my family is going to be there. My biological grandmother and uncle will be coming down for the ceremony, which is touching. There is going to be so much awesome in that room that it's going to be time to buy stock in Kleenex.

With this all being said, and done, and dreamed about, this blog will be graduating, also. Initially it began as a snarky, sarcastic, humor blog, however as I've grown in this world, I would like my blog to grow also. I enjoy reading nursing blogs, and this will most likely become a similar entity, yet I'm still going to maintain my own sense of style. The world involves a LOT OF STUFF, y'all, and that will be in here, too.

I look forward to growing even more, and hope that you will continue to join me on my journey.