Saturday, July 30, 2011

Life lessons, or "You really ARE an idiot."

I was cooking breakfast this morning (matzo brei if you were curious), and somehow got to thinking about the stupid things I've done in life.

1. Do not cook chicken and pineapple together in a crockpot. While your goal of sweet-and-sour chicken was honorable, the chicken will end up resembling zombie flesh and will taste of the livers-and-onions your mother cooked when you were young. Your DBF will gallantly try to eat it, but you will whisk the plate away to save his life.

2. Do not follow your best friend's instructions to "touch the pretty red spot". That pretty red spot is the glowing inferno in the center of the car's cigarette lighter. You will spend the next few days in pain, wondering if you will have a fingerprint when you become an adult.

3. Barbie dolls do not smell good when they're on fire.

4. Do not date someone you work with. You will end up making him sad, and he will spend the next few months not speaking to you. Which makes work awkward, because there are only four of you in the whole building.

5. Do not eat Mexican food and then drink half a bottle of Jagermeister. Your future ex-brother-in-law will call his wife in hysterics the next morning because of how you and she have "decorated" the house. (Yes, we cleaned it up.)

6. After #5, don't get your nails done in a professional salon. The smell of acetone, burning keratin, and acrylic will have you hurling in the bathroom with quickly-drying fake nails. The salon worker will not be amused, and you will receive glares of disgust upon exiting the bathroom.

7. Do not ditch school. Even once. That one time, you will be frightened to death the entire time, even though you're on a "Good Mission" with your delinquent friends to pick out a birthday card, and you will return to school to a suspicious and very mean PE teacher. That PE teacher will call your parents, and you will be grounded forever.

8. Do not break the aforementioned PE teacher's gold watch with a line drive. He will think you did it on purpose and fail you in the class.

9. Do not dye your hair twice in one day. You will have bright orange hair to your shoulders, and then black, frizzy, wave-the-white-flag hair to your waist. While it is Halloween, it was not your plan to look like a cracked-out Bozo the Clown. People will tell you that you have a great wig for Halloween.

10. When finding a salon that can fix your gods-awful hair, do not select the hairdresser who hits on you the entire time, and you're unable to escape because you have ozone-burning chemicals on your head. He will chase you out the door after your appointment. You WILL see him again, as you are living in a very small town.

I have many more, but will stop here for now before my parents reconsider having adopted me as a child.

Any life lessons from you?


  1. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading here.


  2. PGW- I love having you along for the ride :-)