Sunday, December 9, 2012

Thoughts on a Sunday night

I like Sundays a lot. They're a cleansing time for me. I've recently decided to take Sundays off from work in order to dedicate a set day to "ME TIME". While I'm not doing too much anymore, due to graduating and passing on my Board position to the next person (who is awesome, btw), I still work and push myself to search for nursing positions. This is exhausting, though, jobhunting day in, day out, so I need one day to "cleanse". This may be spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally. Sometimes all of the above.

Recently I was rejected from what I considered to be a dream job. I had a great interview, was nobody but myself, and went home confident that maybe I had finally been graced with my first nurse position.  Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. While truly excited for my friends who had been hired, it was a harsh slap in the face that, for the fifth time, I was "not good enough". This has thrown me into somewhat of a whirlpool of self-doubt, disgusting self-talk, tears, anger, situational depression, and what I hate most in the world - jealousy.

Also, being told over and over, "You will find something." "Something will come along." "You'll get your perfect job soon." While I truly appreciate the heartfelt words of those who have said them, it doesn't make it any better.

The panic easily can set in - how am I going to pay my bills now? Is it my poor credit rating that kept me out of a job offer? (I'm trying to find this out.) How am I supposed to get that up when I'm working for $13 an hour? Am I going to have to apply to go back to school, and then wait ANOTHER year to start that, and then wait to find work because nobody will hire you if you're still in the program???

It all becomes overwhelming, you know?

The big question... how long can I work under my own friends and classmates before feeling completely worthless? It's humiliating to be the assistant to people I studied with, asked to do menial labor while we both have the same bachelor's degree. With that being said, I've been blessed thus far, with my classmates being kind and taking on more of a team approach.  Yet I feel left-behind. I can't afford the things they can, now. I am, again, at a standstill.

Today was a better day. There were some inklings of that sinking feeling, but I spent much of the day busy. I have spent the last several weeks working on my health. I have thoroughly cleaned much of the house, and plan to finish over the next few days. I love the strength I get from making myself physically stronger, and the mental clarity I get from making my home neat.

I refuse to let this beat me. If I have to go back to school, I shall. If I have to move across the country, I will. I didn't work this hard for nothing. When I do work, as an assistant, my patients are my focus, not the nurses. I can still utilize many of my nursing skills.

I am still growing. As people have told me hundreds of times, I will find that perfect job. I've always been a late bloomer, and I guess this is just another example of that. I also trust in God, and that He may have a different path for me. I know He doesn't put pain on people for no reason. I am willing to learn and grow and experience the indescribable humbling that I've been through.

So, my friends, that is my Sunday cleansing. I know that's a lot of description and detail and emotional downers, but as my friend Callea has quoted, "Writing is the socially acceptable way of getting naked in public." It's extremely uncomfortable sharing this publicly, but she's right. It's very freeing.

I thank you for being generous with your time. Many blessings to you on this Sunday evening.

1 comment:

  1. The more you get naked, the easier it gets.Remember your words touch others, helping them and in return helping yourself. It doesn't make it any easier, but there IS a purpose to this. Trust God in that. Think outside the box. I don't know what that looks like for you. There's an alternative approach you need to consider. What that is, I have no idea, but I know you need to hear that.