After you're done writing this, I want you to go look in the mirror. I know you do this a few times a day, you know, to make sure you don't have lunch stuck in your teeth, but I really want you to stare at yourself for several minutes in a row. It's hard to do. You will probably flinch and look away, even though this is the same person you've been for the last 38+ years. It's hard to really see yourself sometimes, isn't it?
Wow, you've been through some stuff, haven't you? I like that you remind yourself of how far you've come when you've had a rough day or two. You've survived abusive relationships, a nasty divorce, lost pregnancies, agoraphobia, an eating disorder, finding several members of your biological family and then losing some of them all over again, 18 moves, dropping out of college only to go back again 15 years later... hell, you even survived boot camp.
You've also survived being adopted (by superbly fantastic people), moving into a dream apartment, gaining two incredibly loving kitties, being graced with amazing friends and loved ones, being the older sister to the most wonderful young woman, finally getting into that New Grad program and then being hired onto the unit you've always wanted... and, yes, you survived nursing school.
I know you're not happy with some of the stuff going on in your life right now. Some of it you can change, and some you can't. A coworker told you the other day that she can't imagine how you're even able to function with everything going on, and you told her that you take it one day at a time - and that you're blessed to have coworkers you love, and a family that words can't describe. (You're also blessed to have these people in your life... remember that and thank them all the time.)
Someone posted this on Twitter last week. It's a nice spin-off of the Serenity Prayer.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."
I know what you've been focused on lately is the state of your own health. I'm glad you went to the cardiologist and had those tests done. Now that we know what we're dealing with, we can move forward. You have options, Corinne, now grab onto some of them and make those changes. Some of these issues are fixable (the tachycardia). Some of them are not, such as the arrhythmias, however now you know what causes them to become symptomatic, and that is fixable, too.
You've been working hard on changing your lifestyle food-wise. Let's tackle the next step, exercise. I know you've been afraid to really get out there and burn, due to the heart issues, but you've been advised to take it slow. You know yourself, and you know when to stop. Stop being afraid of yourself! Most of all, stop using fear as an excuse!
You're doing great with your meditation and stress-reducing. You're doing an amazing job at work. Every day you reach your goal of making someone smile. You've already lost a little weight. You're gaining so much peace in your life, and it's okay to have it. It helps offset the stress, I promise. You will be fine. Everything will work out.
You, my dear, are more than your stretch marks, or your ticker, or your past. When your patient or their family member gives you a hug and says, "Thank you for taking care of us", you feel it deep down. You're where you're meant to be. The surface composition of your self is only the thin, outer layer. What makes you awesome is what's buried deep underneath. Feel free to love, and feel free to be loved. Make your life what you want it to be, not what other people say it should be.
Enjoy it. It's yours.
Now... Go look in the mirror.